A Hello and a Dream

Just wanted to write and say that I have not fallen off the planet, although I have pulled back a bit from some activities.

I didn't mean for one of those activities to be this blog, but such it has turned out. I dropped some things that I felt were no longer serving me, and have added some things that I've felt drawn to. Most of these always have to do with self-development and exploration.

I'm reading more again...one of my true loves. Not socializing as much...neither online or in real life. I am, however, being more genuine with my important real life contacts. I've virtually given up on dating, as it seemed to be sucking up unnecessary time and effort for little reward. I have too much to do in other areas of my life, really.

This part will come I think when the time is right. For now, I want to focus on the things that intuitively call me.

I'm finally making headway on decorating my livingroom. I need to make it "my" space...a place of santuary and balanced energy that is right for my well-being. It's been let go too long.

I've shopped for a sofa on and off for a year and a half. I finally found one that clicked with me. It's a slow process, but when I'm done it will be a place of joy for me to be in. As it is now, I spend little to no time in the livingroom.

The garage...well that's another area I had hoped to make a dent in cleaning it out by end of this year, but that didn't happen. I'm not very productive in the dark, cold months. I prefer to hibernate and nest, basically--like a bear. :)

Family drama seems to be an ongoing issue. My father realizes he is getting old, and now he wants to spend time with us. However, for me it's strange. After knowing him as a tyrant when growing up...how does one now say...."oh, it's cool. Let's be friends now." It's not easy. Especially when he cannot admit, let alone even fathom, that he was a tyrant. In his mind he was a great father. And at times, perhaps he was.

So meetings seem very superficial. Yes there are hugs and kisses, but it's almost like forced affection one might have for a distant uncle one sees perhaps around holidays. It's hard for me to really be open, but I continue to try.

It's not quite so strange with my mom. She calls and I call her, so at least there is communication. Plus mothers are just different. I never felt like she took her anger and dissatisfaction with life out on us kids...like my father did.

Well, this post is nothing like I thought it might be. I'm in a really weird place, but it's still ok, regardless. It's almost like I'm watching a movie of my life...and I'm an impartial observer.

Things seem to impact me deeply, and yet on one level, I know it's really just a stage drama that will end and go on to the next act eventually. Not sure how to explain it. I'm not really so troubled by any of it, and yet it can also be terribly depressing.

Anyway, an ending with a dream from last night. More like a fragment of a lucid dream.

A wolf came to me. He basically was telling me that the night is the friend of the wolf. The night protects them. They move about in darkness, as one. They use the night to their benefit. He was telling me to use the night (darkness) to my advantage. Make it my friend. Allow it to benefit me. It can aid me if I allow to to assist in my purpose.

And yet I do know this, but reminders are good. Adversity...darkness...can assist us if we allow it to. There are lessons to be gleaned. We tend to look at difficult experiences as "bad", but they don't have to be if they help us along in our journey.

The wolf has integrated darkness and made it light. This is what humans have to do in order to move ahead. See the good within the bad, the light within the dark. It's all from the same Source. Somehow once we can truly embrace it all as our divine human experience...things will change...overnight.

Thanks for reading...

Love, A. :)